Love is Not An Agreement

By Aubrey Marcus February 21, 2019

Well, first of all, I have to thank the thousands of people who have sent their gratitude and love for the video explaining the story and mindset behind my car accident. If you haven’t checked it out yet, find ten minutes and drop in.

It’s been interesting to release that video while I am still in the process of healing. But all is going well. I’ve been really impressed with my energy of late, no doubt due in part to some of the practices I’ve been dedicated to. I list some of those on the blog article accompanying the video. Now if only that dangly lip thing would improve... :)

But on the realest real side of things, I had to learn some shit the hard way again this weekend. Why do I always have to learn the hard way! In my open relationship with Whitney Miller, we have come up with some good ideas about ways to move forward through difficult situations. We both are now seeing other lovers whom we freely express our love to. Whitney reaching this level for the first time with another man is hard for me (understatement)! But all of that is encouraged in the boundaries of our container. Why? Is that a stupid idea? Well, it hasn’t diminished our love for each other at all, so it’s still game on. Love actually is in abundance.

Under the idea of keeping our relationship strong and stable, we have created agreements about our commitment to teamwork, which I have been really leaning on. They have been like crutches for me. But the problem with any agreements you lean on is that they come with expectations. And the expectations can then become your master.

Because when the expectations inevitably aren’t met, I get hurt. Is it Whitney’s fault that I keep getting hurt? No, it’s my fault - because I have these expectations. Rather than loving her unconditionally, I love her conditionally (only if she follows the agreements).

So how does it feel, loving someone conditionally? Pretty shitty. When something doesn’t work out the way I hoped, I take it personally. I make assumptions that she doesn’t love me anymore, and jump to wild conclusions. That creates a wildly unstable environment for both of us.

My fear comes up so viscerally because I have been using the agreements as my Bible. I have put my faith in the Bible (our agreements), rather than in God (the Love that I have with Whitney). Love and God are synonymously ineffable. So in some ways, it seems easier to put your faith in something tangible, like an agreement about Love or a Bible describing God. So the next chapter for me in my relationship with Whitney is to love her with radical acceptance. Not loving her ‘if’, like my father loved me ‘if’ I played well on the basketball court. Just love her, no matter what.

In any case, switching gears we have a great podcast with the legend Robert Greene out this week. His new book on Human Nature is one of his best - and I’ve read all of his books. I can’t wait to share some of the gems from it, and I wish him the best in his recovery from a recent medical challenge.

Thanks for being awesome, loveheads.


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