Sometimes I want to die. I’m not ever going to kill myself, I don’t even have suicidal thoughts. Just sometimes it seems preferable to be dead. But what the fuck is that? I don’t want to feel like that. So let’s take a look at it:
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Death seems pretty great. Don’t take my word for it, but my psychedelic plant medicine journeys have taken me to the place beyond death... and it’s amazing there. It’s a realm of pure quantum possibility, where your soul can interact with and experience any other entity or vision it calls to it. And whenever it wants, it can merge back with the unicity of all existence--pure Source. So death is not really that scary. BUT, life is fucking awesome, and I chose life for a reason, and I’m not done here. So there must be more...
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I’m uncomfortable being embodied. As much knowledge in optimizing the physical body that I have put into practice, I’m often still lethargic and in pain. As much as I have employed tools to cultivate stillness, my mind still runs away with itself--catastrophizing and worst-case scenario planning. As much as my awareness has expanded over time, my emotions still bother me. The protective mechanisms that shield my heart from it’s true expression are still very present. But I’m getting better at everything. I’m improving and overall I’m happier than I ever have been. So there must be more...
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The thrills have lost their thrill. Well, that’s just the way things unfold when you start to become more whole. When my ego needed validation, when I needed to achieve things to feel worthy of love, then the acquisition of these ‘trophies’ was an incredible thrill. Now great sex is just great sex. It’s not proof that I am worthy of love as a physical being. Now money is just money. It’s not proof that I am worthy of love as a successful man. Now influence is just influence...It doesn’t swell my ego, it’s now about what I’m going to do with it. But overall this is an improvement. So there must be more...
- I’m afraid I’m not going to be good enough. I have seen the possibility of who I can become and the impact that realization can have on the collective. And I’m worried I’m going to fail, or fall short. I’m worried that I won’t fulfill my purpose here. I’m worried that I’ll stay attached to petty indulgences. I’m worried that the shores of the known will be too cozy for me to travel beyond the known and unlock my potential. While I’m still worried about my trivial problems, killing pain, extinguishing fires one at a time... I don’t have to lay on the crucible of trying my best and potentially failing. I think this is the well-spring of Resistance that makes me feel like I would prefer to be dead sometimes. Fundamentally I just don’t trust I will forgive myself for not realizing the truth of who I am, what I am, and how I serve. But of course I will forgive myself. I think in the end we always forgive ourselves. And then we can come back and try again. But as I said before, don’t take my word for it.
So what should I do? Well I have an idea, but I’m not quite ready to commit yet. Writing down my Resistance doesn’t mean that I’ve defeated it. But it is the first and perhaps most important step. Engaging in a formal practice of gratitude daily seems like the most likely next step.
This week’s podcast is with Gary Vaynerchuk, aka Gary Vee--Entrepreneur, speaker, author, bad motherfucker. We talk about some incredibly interesting things including the consequences of the impending dissolution of privacy, and the rise of open relationship. It’s clear that after this discussion, Gary has a lot more to say about life than just entrepreneurship. Plus he’s motivational AF. This is one of those must-listen podcasts.
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–Aubrey
