Hi Aubrey. I felt compelled to reach out after listening to episode 182: Your conversation with Dr. Dan Engle (I only finished listening minutes ago). This is only the second time I’ve listened to your podcast and you may not even believe what a shift you’ve just made in my life. I should preface at least a bit:

A year ago, I experimented with psychedelics “for fun”. At the time, I didn’t realize I was taking a “heroic dose” of psilocybin. During that trip, I’ll never forget teleporting to torture cells throughout the world, and feeling all of the pain there was to feel, after which I watched myself slowly whither away and die. Then, my consciousness was born into a beautiful universe that I simply observed with great delight. I forgot that I had a body and a name, but I was blissful.

I haven’t bee the same ever since, and I’ve spent the entire past year researching what happened to me — ego death, now one of my favorite topics. I’ve also experimented with lower doses of psilocybin, LSD, and MDMA a handful of times since. I’ve seen what benefits each has had for dealing with my PTSD and expanding my awareness.

The first psilocybin trip I took after that first “heroic dose” trip, I didn’t take quite as much. And the lesson from that trip didn’t reach me until today, as I was listening to episode 182 of your podcast, stone cold sober. During the trip (which occurred in March of 2018), I had perfectly designed my “setting”. I was in nature with two people I trusted and loved. I was sitting under a secluded tree canopy, steps away from a giant lake, a hammock nearby. As the trip began to build, I started to feel like my shoulder was dislocated. This feeling was so apparent that I could no longer make use of my right arm. I kept asking my friends to check it out: Was it partially dislocated or fully dislocated? Should I go to the doctor or just try to push it in myself? They kept ensuring me there was no dislocation. I managed to enjoy my trip regardless, but I couldn’t make use of my arm, not even when entirely necessary (as if using the bathroom while tripping isn’t hard enough).

Today, as I was listening to this episode, it became extremely clear. During minute 56, you and Dr. Dan discuss somatic awareness (something I’ve studied and evangelized about!). I immediately burst into tears during an otherwise non-emotional day. I paused the episode and sent the following text to my boyfriend — the only person in my life that I knew would completely understand:

“I finally, just now, realized that my body was screaming at me to deal with the issues attached to [my shoulder]. And, I just time traveled to the first time my shoulder separated before I gained my big injury, the full dislocation (at age 14). I had completely forgotten about it, but now I remember it like it was yesterday. My parents had divorced and I was angry at my dad about not letting me see my mom. I wanted to run into the woods where I knew I belonged. I ran from him, and he grabbed my arm. Grabbed it so hard in mid-sprint and spun me around to face the house. My shoulder separated and was never the same. A few years later, it fully dislocated during a silly move. I just now realized I’ve been holding a grudge against him ever since. Our relationship has never been the same. I just synced up with him and had a little cry session. It was one of the most therapeutic things I’ve ever done. There is much more work to be done. But, I feel so relieved to finally understand the source of underlying pain I’ve lived with since I was 9 years old.”

This is only the beginning for me. That part of my PSTD was so minor compared to everything else that I buried it all the way below the more major traumas. I’m peeling myself like an onion and I can’t believe I’ve finally reached these depths. I’m so grateful. I wanted you to know how impactful you’ve already been in my life. So grateful. Thank you.